You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
