I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
