2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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