Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
