dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
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