I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
