I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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