Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
