I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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