Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
