Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
