Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i think my cat just said my name.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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