it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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