I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Randomize
