If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
