It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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