You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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