yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
