Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I need moral support for this bender
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
