I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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