she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
