so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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