I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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