Betty ford says i'm here all night
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
