did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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