I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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