The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
