Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
