My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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