I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
