went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
