wanna go halves on a baby?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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