There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Randomize