Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
