Pregnant stripper...not hot.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
