i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
