U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
