I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize