I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
