i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
