Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
