the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
