tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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