I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
