how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
