I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
