Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
