Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
