...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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