I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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