oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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