You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
