Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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