why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
