my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize