walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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